In my line of work I get asked a lot about narcissists.
Now i am not a psychiatrist who can diagnose a Narcissist Personality Disorder but I can comment on the qualities that I hear often described by people in relationships with narcissists.
The long term effects of being in a relationship with a narcissist can be traumatic and life changing.
Feeling anxious and walking around on egg shells is not an uncommon feeling.
Narcissism, in simple terms means someone absorbed in self.
There are levels of narcissism and there is even a healthy sense of being a bit narcissistic, but today I’m talking about the extreme kind in relationships.
The ones that can treat you like they love you one minute (you are their world) and then in the next breath despise you. Spew hatefulness with their words and behaviour next. (Romantic right?)
They won’t apologise when they are wrong, but somehow you will end up hearing yourself saying sorry to keep the peace (you just want the argument to be over)
They will deny any mistakes or wrongdoings even if there’s evidence, because well you’re the crazy one, you’re the one who has self-esteem issues, you’re needy and crazy because you have so many insecurities and hang up’s and they have to put up with you.
You will be love bombed and then hated sometimes in minutes. You won’t understand why they switched but you will constantly feel like you messed it up when it was going so well.
You are the problem not them.
Many people ask themselves how they never saw the signs, How did they miss those red flags…because when things were amazing they were so good, how could they hurt me like this? Where did it go wrong?
I guess the easiest way I can explain this is when there is someone who is in constant need of attention an craves validation to cover up their own deep down insecurities to make you feel rubbish, to make you question yourself, to make you feel wrong all the time, and to never take any responsibilities is a great way to feel powerful. True story.
Manipulating situations and people is an art form. They will show you what they want you to see- which is not who they are really when it’s just the two of you behind closed doors.
You are not dealing with a decent or an honest person you are dealing with a fake persona. It has many faces. There will be a carnage of hurt people in a narcissist’s past- and you will hear often that all their past relationships had a phycho/ crazy and obsessed ex.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist will never be about the two of you, it will always be about THEM.
“I’m sorry” is a phrase that is not common in their vocabulary, but you will hear yourself saying “I’m sorry” a lot, even if you haven’t done anything wrong.
It’s never their fault.
They will always be the victim.
Even if you try to do everything right to please them, in the end it still won’t be good enough.
Soon you find yourself putting all the effort into holding everything together while deep down you feel like nothing you do or say is right. You won’t feel good enough for them in anyway because you’re the one messing up all the time and they have to put up with you.
That’s their game.
They’ve done it before and will continue to do it, because you believe you can’t be without them.
Remember the more you cry, the more you hurt, the more you beg- you will feed the narcissist’s ego supply and their power in the relationship.
To keep you from attempting to leave the first time (there will usually be many break up attempts) they will cry, beg, make you feel sorry for them, they will love bomb you with gifts, and promises of change, and they may blame their terrible traumatic childhoods for their behaviour. They may threaten you, using fear and violence and a ton of guilt that will make you question yourself, and in some cases they may even stalk you, just so they can get you back and this time conflict even more hurt on you then before as punishment for daring to leave them.
How dare you!
If anything your reading today is something you can resonate with, my advice will always be to get sort of help and healing because the damage done by emotional abuse is deep, painful and impactful, it ends up leading survivors to self-hate when actually they did nothing wrong- YOU did nothing wrong, you just wanted to love someone you thought was really special.
They weren’t who you thought.
They aren’t real.
The hurt they have left is very real…
I guess now I want you to choose you.